Saturday, October 31, 2009

Ah Ha!

Today has been a challenging and rather painful day for me. without going into specifics, my heart just really aches because of someones actions and there continual decisions to make choices that are destroying there life and hurting other people with really no regard for the pain they are causing those around them.

My life has not been an easy one. I have had a multitude of heartbreaking and truly devastating circumstances thrust apon me since I was a little girl. I feel I had to grow up fast and at times take on the role as the adult because I felt If I did not do it and work hard to keep my world together nobody would.

However what I really wanted to share with you and the reason behind this post is to share my Ah ha! moment tonight. While on a Fearless Book Group call with one of my dear friends and mentors Mynde, A couple of shifts happened: The first (and I never told mynde or anyone this part) after my extremely painful evening, I decided to join the call instead of isolating in my room however I had kinda made up my mind that I was not going to talk (fear at work there!). I did not want to share my pain, not because I did not want to really but because I did not want to have to expose the embarrassment and shame that thees particular circumstances bring up for me. I have this thought in my head that if people know this particular part of my situation what will they think of me now? I sometimes feel like I walk around with “LOOSER” in big letters written across my forehead. (fear again!)

So, I had made this fear-based decision right before the start of the call, that I would call in however not talk. And that is what I did at least in the beginning. there I sat on the phone secretly trying to hold back tears, hoping no one could tell that that was not working and that I was crying on a conference call (here comes that looser feeling again!) Then my first ah ha! moment, Mynde was talking about what she sometimes does when she is in fear and just wants to go and hide from the rest of the world and I thought wow, I am not the only one who has had a crummy few hours and just wants to compleatly disapear!! (simple concept I know, however sometimes hard to remember when you are in the moment.)

So, I spoke up and thanked Mynde for talking about isolating and explained that that was what I was practicing not doing by joining this call. The calls theme tonight was really about expectations and have we can shift from that to intention and becoming aware of the language we use that could be an indicator that we are in expectation.

I then took another risk and spoke a little bit about my pain and frustration and admitted that I was angry. What I was able to remind myself tonight is that it is OK to have those feelings. I can be hurt and pissed off-i’m human. the neat part and gift is, is that I get to CHOOSE what I do with those feelings and what actions am I willing to take to support myself to live a more fulfilled fearless life no matter what drama or pain is around me.

For a good 3 and a half-4 years I did not know what to do with my pain and heartache so I turned it inward and was very self-destructive- suicide attempts, eating issues, anxiety and panic attacks and so on. Honestly anything I could do that would prove my fear was right that I was a looser and worthless I did. While that saddens me to know that I let myself get that low, I am also eternally grateful because I believe it was the Divine’s calling for me to get that low just so I could see how beautiful and precious life is.

I now know there is nothing I could have done about the situation I am facing and have to live with daily. I could not fix or save the people involved and it’s not my job to do so. I did not do anything wrong and I am not a bad person to “deserve” this. it’s just what is and I try to live my life everyday with the knowledge that different people make different choice in life than my own and they have to accept the consequences for their actions, good or bad and move on with their lives.

For me really learning that it’s OK for my life to go on despite others peoples choices was huge. I deserve to be happy and have my dreams come true! The last year of my life has been amazing. I am happy and for the fist time EVER I am watching my dreams come true and it feels so amazing!

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